Trying to Catch my Breath
"Hey cuz. Is it too late to give you some bad news?"
It was late and I was already feeling the blues.
I donated a piece for a benefit show.
For a friend who got cancer a few months ago.
The next day I found out cancer took away a childhood friend.
Day 3 - 8th anniversary of cancer bringing another to their end.
This was day 4, scared to hear any more and like I said, it was already late.
As I get older, it's hard to keep my eyes open at night, especially after I medicate.
I filled up with guilt, from my feelings of greed.
This was my cousin. I could feel her need.
So I asked her to tell me her news.
Cancer again. 4th day straight family...friend. My heart took control of my brain.
We spoke for an hour about how she wanted to be remembered, and how she just wanted to be rid of the pain.
I told her I love her and to keep me updated. She said that she would and "Good night."
Consumed by my own crisis, I forgot to check in, and a brother's death blinded my site.
"Good night", my reply echoed back to my cousin, would be the final words she'd ever get from me.
Two weeks later I got a call from her sister. No more pain. My cousin was free.
Two days of mourning, without any warning, the sweetest couple, cut in two.
Cancer? AGAIN!? Rest well, my sweet friend. And your husband? I'll try to help him honor you.
Later that same day, another friend from school, gone while he was asleep.
Every loss building up, with no time to process, my wounds are growing deep.
As another week passes, I'm finding my breath.
Telling my friend that I'm proud of him, takes my mind off of death.
That night he went to sleep and didn't wake up.
No half-full or half-empty, because I shattered the cup.
Don't know how much more I can go.
I quit yesterday, but then I said "no".
He wouldn't want that.
THEY wouldn't want that.
I feel like an imposter. Others knew them better.
I want to be comfort, but scared to upset her.
Or him. Or them, because...who am I?
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